How is it possible to know someone so little.... and be SO affected by him?
Yuck. I have 34 tabs open on my computer right now. This is not uncommon for me and I actually know what they are and have a reason for each and every one. If my computer shuts down, I am sure to go to my browser history and "reopen all previous tabs," because they're important. I need them.
But, the "yuck" refers to the fact that I've had this particular Blogger tab open and that first line has been typed in like that... and it's been the only line typed... for months. And the reason I opened my computer this morning is because of that same person. Him.
I'm letting him take up room in my brain that he doesn't deserve. Can I just shut that off, please? Still trying to figure out how to make it that easy...
I've definitely been known to give people too many chances. Old habits die hard. So that's where Lou comes in. That's not his name. But I will likely never actually date a Lou, so it sounds perfect. I hate that name. Except for Lou Henson. He was awesome. But I've gone off topic. We are gonna call this guy Lou.
Lou is not local, but local-ish and we crossed paths a time or two. He reached out via facebook to let me know he was into me and I liked how direct he was about it. We started texting pretty much nonstop and that was that. It seemed like we were going to make a go of things; calling each other babe and whatnot... maybe too soon. He invited me to an event that involved his family and I thought that was a pretty cool move. Until he had his dad pick me up, which was the funniest, most bizarre thing. Maybe a story for another time, when I'm in a funnier mood. In reality, it was all fine and practical, and they're all such great people... a really fun day. But more importantly, he was letting me into his world and that was a big deal to me (After dating someone for three years that had been going through a forever-long divorce from a severely difficult person and having to feel like I was a secret, this was so refreshing to be "open"). Lou even mentioned how he could imagine me in the stands, cheering him on as he acknowledged a rather important life achievement. It was nice.
I felt "seen." Which is everything to me. This whirlwind of feelings came to a screeching halt only weeks later, when he told me he was "super busy for the next month." C'mon man, even I know that is INSANELY lame to say. And if friends came to me with this story? I would tell literally every friend of mine to run.. run far. Hell, I would even tell people that I dislike that they need to steer clear of anyone willing to give that as an excuse. No way.
So what the hell. Why the 180? I'll likely never know, because he's not able to verbalize it. Correction: he chooses not to. So... what's to follow for months-to-come is a kind of a game of cat and mouse. Lou is super funny and sarcastic and we had a way of passively reconnecting, always. We get along so easily and I let him feel like "home" in that short amount of time. He seemed so open. So easy. So "me."
I say "seemed." It all felt real until it wasn't.
I've been love-bombed and gaslit and blindsided and all those things and I really thought I was doing well at seeing that in people. So this Lou-guy really threw me for a loop. How did I miss it? When he held my hand, half-asleep, smiling and asking if I was happy... was that all bullshit? And how did I fall for it again? (If I asked him about this today, he might "not remember" this at all)...hmm.
But let's backtrack. My ex-husband. Really bad guy. This is not a "bitter ex-moment." I could make a laundry list of people, both women and men that have been taken advantage of and would back me up on that statement. Anyways. The past. My ex-boyfriend? I went through some of this too with him, but at the core, I do not believe he is a bad guy. I think he just has demons he was unwilling to face at the time and our relationship suffered due to both our past issues.
Then there is Lou. I feel this about him as well. Demons? Fear? I don't know though. He is smart and responsible and an amazing person, truly. I do not believe he is intentionally trying to hurt anyone, to include myself. Maybe that's what kept me coming back? I could be the one to "solve all his internal struggles?" I don't know. I let myself fall in... in something. Love? I don't know. I don't think so, but I let myself imagine a future with him. It doesn't matter. It's all done now.
Since Lou kept me and all things me at arms-distance, I continued to date other people. I'm thinking this is a defense mechanism. In all honesty, I've been on a lot of dates this year. It's been fun and exciting for sure. I always find it fun to get to know people and sometimes you click with a person, sometimes you don't. No matter what, I keep learning more and more about myself, regardless of the person sitting across from me. In fact, I've met people that I hope stay in my life indefinitely, even if it's not meant to be "my person."
I wish I had maybe kept more of my guard up with Lou. I saw a future with him and that's my fault for jumping in head first. He says his parents don't like each other, despite being married, for quite some time too. If I want to psycho-analyze the situation, I could say he's afraid to end up like them, so he just shuts down. Maybe. Or maybe he's "just not that into me." That happens. Either way, I know I'll be fine. I just wanted him to say it out loud. Saying things like "I know you'd be good for me," but not actually making the time to see me? That's too easy to decide. I'm not without self-worth, thankfully. But, I feel like I've been strung along for months and I finally had to put a stop to it. I know what I want. And Lou wasn't doing it. It's pretty simple. Right?
Life is wild, isn't it? I'll always be some hopeless (hopeful) romantic, so even if this seems like a sad crying-over-my-computer post, it's far from it. I sit here and smile, thinking about meeting someone that feels like I wrecked their world in the best way possible. A friend of mine was a bit down last night and she said "I'm just beginning to wonder if anyone will ever like me." I had to laugh a little, despite her downer attitude at the time. There are SO many people in the world; she and I both KNOW that is so silly to think. And okay, okay, from time to time, there are tears. I'm human, so what...
So I really just needed to type all this out... get it out of my brain and make some vacancy for someone else. Some days are easy. Some days are like today. It's hard to give new people a chance though if you're comparing all of them to someone else. That's really the goal here. I can't compare everyone to Lou. Imagining what COULD be simply doesn't make it so.
Guess it's time to close this tab, hmm? I have a few tentative plans around the corner. Who knows what's to come? Wish me luck.
<3
For fun: Post Malone: Twelve Carat Toothache, at 11:40--song: Wrapped Around Your Finger
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