I am a terrible blogger. I show up and write on this blog, oh... every 4-5 years? I need that facepalm emoji.
I can see that in May of 2019, I started to write a new blog called "Here I am." Anyone read it?
No... I never actually posted it.
I always have the best intentions of being a regular blogger and posting something every week or two. Why don't I stick with it? After rereading the last one I wrote, I think I'm realizing why... it's not necessarily lack of time. We all make time for things we think are worth it. I realize it's doubt. It's fear. It's my insecurities. I have these statements or thoughts that I feel like I have to get out, but when I do, I then wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I doubt myself. I wonder if others will judge me. I overanalyze most of my life, quite honestly. But then I hear and see things in the world and think... well, this is part of my story. Shouldn't I want to share that? And more importantly, shouldn't I want to share this to help others? Most of my fear and doubt stems from feeling like I'm the ONLY one that could possibly be going through this. But then I hear something that makes me realize I, obviously, am not the only one. And then I hear and see more that makes me realize perhaps I've been conditioned to feel unconfident and insecure. This thought process has happened after years of... well, manipulation, frankly.
So that is why I am here. I am ready to speak up. No more fear.
So if you aren't ready for things to get real? Please click on one of my other nice blogs where you can learn how to meal prep or bake sugarless cookies or something...
But if you are ready for real deal... I'm going to talk about my life. I would say I am fairly private about my life. I definitely would not say that I built up this facade or anything by what I post on social media... I am real. All of my moments that involve my girls, my family, my friends... they are genuine. I am typically the person to smile and laugh in a crowd. The smiles and laughs are genuine too, I just laugh pretty easily... I promise though, you ARE all as funny as I make you feel. :-)
I sometimes think I'm some introvert, but that's not really true. I will be one of the first ones to make a conversation in a group... this is because I have ALWAYS wanted people to feel comfortable. I despise feeling uncomfortable and don't like others to feel awkward or outcast. It's just who I am (see above: laughing). Unfortunately, I even go as far as protecting people that should not be protected. For sure, I have made bad choices and done things that I have needed to apologize for.
But... I do know the difference between being genuine... Having integrity...
...And being a narcissist. Being a counterfeit. Why would I protect these people?
You ever avoid sharing things on Facebook because it's embarrassing? People hate reading these cryptic statements that warrant more information. People hate when it feels like fishing. Fishing for compliments. For acknowledgement. For approval. And who knows what else.
I kept so much of what was going on in my life out of sight because it WAS embarrassing. And even because I was afraid half of them already knew the truth and thought I was such a naive idiot for not knowing. I never wanted to post anything. But really, it wasn't necessarily anyone's business.
And NOW... Now it's written into an official court document that I am not to speak ill words over social media about my ex. Ps... we are going to call him Fred. Fred Flintstone, in fact. My question, and I pray you are all wondering it too, is why? Why, Fred? Is this normal to include such specific requests? Why is Fred so darned concerned about what I have to say about him NOW over social media, when I haven't bothered to say anything for seven years? It's interesting that he dragged my name through the social media mud on July 4, 2018, but today, he wants to make sure I do not do the same.
Well, darn it Fred... now I WANT to share... because to me? It feels a bit like he's realizing there is less and less control over me now that everything is signed and done. And maybe this is one last thing you can try and control? Am I close? I've had counselors tell me much of what my experiences are, are dealing with a narcissist. Unfamiliar with that term?
They are all too familiar. That joking part... sigh. So so so often. :-(
That brings me to a question that I got asked about a week ago... someone asked me "So, how did you get tricked?" It was a simple enough question, but one that felt like a kick in the chest.
How did I get tricked? Hmm. Well. Truth be told, I've had a bit of an issue with self-confidence. With self-worth. It's been a lifetime issue. I'm still working on it. A side effect of having issues with these things (fear) is anger. I can rage with the best of them. Correction... I could... I have my moments now, but I am getting better. But I digress. My point is this... people witnessed my anger. I am not good at hiding my emotions. I was in a relationship where I now realize, I was drowning. And I used anger and bitterness and sarcasm, not only as an outlet, but often as a means of attention. I wanted to be saved. By him though. I did not feel loved or feel attention, so I would respond in anger. I wanted love. My method? Not effective. Not right... but it was my go-to reaction for quite a while. This is not an effective strategy, to get angry, the other person can stay charming, albeit aloof and smiling. I wasn't so good at pretending. So, unfortunately, people would see my anger and his smiles, but not the rest of what was going on in my world...
Deployments where I'm told goodnight early, because of "late night missions," which turned out to be "just times to get high"? Check.
Being told I'm a prude for not being cool with it (instead of acknowledging that my anger was from being lied to) Check.
TDY's with night's out and phones turned off indefinitely? Check.
Hearing his coworkers mention he brought girls back to the hotel and would bring them to breakfast with his coworkers on these work assignments? Check.
On TDY's, Fred would go out and cease communication, shut off his phone, and tell me he'd call me when he got back to his room. I'm still waiting on those phone calls. There was actually one time that he sent me a selfie with two friends at 7:30am, saying he never called until right then, because he hadn't even been back to his room. And he said he'd call when he got back, right? So technically, he's a man of his word. Nice. He hadn't been back... they'd been at a strip club. So... I'm the jerk for being upset, right? But the credo is "Ask for forgiveness, not permission." He never quite understood my request for just being up front with communication. He never quite listened when our therapist would say "Stop lying to her. It's on her to either process your words or throw a tantrum. That's on her. Being honest is on you. But you're not even giving her the chance." He was just apologize and I accepted it every time, thinking it would be different in the future. But it never was different.
Being left at multiple weddings? Check. Being told he wanted a divorce in 2013? Check. Again, in 2015? Check. Going home with women the day he decided to leave our house? Check. Me, moving back and forth between different countries to try to make it work? Check. Delaying my own goals and career? Check. Dating? Check. I hadn't been dating anyone at first... I'd put up the good fight. The first time I moved back from Germany, I had the time to process through breaking up, being single, and moving on. One night, I was out eating dinner with my daughters, and watching a cubs game, when a guy came up and made conversation with all of us. He was nice and he asked for my number (ps, the girls were unaware, and I gave it to him). Until then, I hadn't considered dating. As soon as I considered it? Fred wanted to work it out with me. He would message me every day when we were separated. Not to talk to the girls. Now I see it was to keep control of things. He still wanted to hook up with me, I would get my hopes up, but then he would leave, go out with friends, and tell me he still didn't think "he was ready to work on us." Writing this, gosh, I feel so ridiculous to have gone along with it.
We separated, honestly, I lost count how many times... 5? 6? Fred is like a spoiled little boy with his toys.... he doesn't necessarily want the toy any more... he just doesn't want to lose control over it.
It was all such a mess. But what happened in the middle of the mess?
I found Jesus.
In the midst of separations and deployments and being a new mom, I threw myself into the church and bible studies and activities. At first it was just to meet other moms, but it became my refuge. I really do not know where I would be today, if it weren't for going through all this and knowing that I was in God's hand. Quite literally, I would picture myself sitting in His palm. I had never NOT believed in God, but did not grow up going to church. I had so many questions. But through these times, I found comfort. I found myself. And I found Him. Serious glory to God for getting me through the things I've trudged through. I got baptized in 2014. This was between separations, but he'd only been back for one month, from a deployment, so I did that in the "honeymoon phase." That was the first time in a long time that I was doing something for me though. What a wonderful day it was.
Through every talk and study, I would hear these women and their spouses talk about the rough times in their marriages. But 5 years, 10 years, 20 years later, they'd be together and saying "Look at us, talking to you guys about sticking it out and things have never been better." In my mind... this mind of mine, where I would get trampled on, and then apologized to, and told it wouldn't happen again, but then the cycle just kept happening-- this mind truly believed this would be our story. I really thought some day I would stand up on a stage with Fred and we would talk about the hard times we've gone through, telling young military couples that they, too, can make it.
I call this hopeless optimism. I don't think it's wrong. Faith and hope are a life necessity. But there is a line. A line where people are just being naive and it's hurting them. This was the point at which I had gotten. I don't like the idea of "playing the victim," but sometimes YOU ARE A VICTIM. But I'm not any more. That won't define me. Ever listened to the podcast or watched Dirty John on Netflix (p.s. now is the time, while you're stuck at home--very intriguing and well-done)? You listen or watch it, thinking "Lady! How can you be so stupid?!" But I sat there thinking.... gosh. She just wanted to be loved. And at times, wow, he could be SO seemingly charming. And hey, he's going to church and reading scripture, and he makes mistakes but THIS time, things are going to be different.
And then... They aren't.
This was a bit tricky for me. I was married to a person that claims to be Christian. We are not perfect. We are all sinners. But where is the repentance in all this? Where is the heart for God? Although I opened my eyes to Jesus, I had even more questions on this path. But any Christian knows... finding God doesn't make life easy. But it does bring clarity and understanding in other ways.
I'm definitely not saying this the case for everyone's problematic marriage. To those people that stuck it out and came out a better couple? It fills my heart with joy to hear your love story.
But my story IS different. Now I see myself being the woman to stand up and say "You're going to be okay on your own, if that is the path you need to take to save yourself." It's terrible to realize the people that turned their back on me when I finally made the decision that I'd had enough. That I was pursuing a divorce. Those women that told me I just hadn't prayed enough and I was the quitter that didn't trust in God's mighty strength. How dare they. God's strength is what got me to those classes. But these women with their ridicule barely knew me...
Those women didn't go home that same day and get told that they were stupid. Retarded. That they were ugly on the inside and out and no one would ever want them. Ignored, except for sex. They were not told that even though we were getting divorced, even if we both remarried, we would still have sex together because we had such a history (by the way... never. going. to happen.) While we were living as "housemates," he told friends and coworkers that he wished someone would date me, so I would leave him alone. Being strong is staying in this?
But he told me no one would ever want me... and I believed him. My psyche was... well, so F'ed. I had allowed myself to crawl into his warped mind and actually believe the things he said. And on top of that, I would not tell anyone, because I thought maybe I had brought it upon myself! Urgh. Why is it so easy to tell Dirty John's wife or any other helpless damsel how clearly they should leave, but not see it for myself? Things had become so darn blurry. Luckily, I had people that cared about me, to tell me that this "housemate" setup was NOT working, and I needed to leave... that if I wasn't the one to finally draw the line, that this would never end.
My girls were getting old enough, that it finally dawned on me: How would I feel if twenty years from now, my daughter was in the situation I was in, feeling the way I felt, because I had painted this picture of what a marriage looked like to her. What a horrible feeling. I would hate for them to think this is normal. That it was acceptable. Sometimes people say they stay together for their kids, but that was the reason I knew I had to go. I know what real love is like, and this wasn't it. It makes me sad to wonder if some day he will break them the way he broke me. Gosh, I hope not. But I'll be here for them. It's so hard to let them walk through it on their own, but if I tried to make it any different, I would be doing them harm and they'd end up resenting me anyways. Maybe he will change some day. As of today, nothing I can see has changed. I hear updates...
TDY in Netherlands, inviting girls on CAS
Video messaging friends saying he can't sleep and he just did something he never thought he'd do while making a gesture to his nose
Making remarks about so-and-so's girlfriend having great pot on this TDY and that he's "so high right now"
Ever looked up Hotel Wellcum in Hohenthurn, Austria? Don't do it, if your children are around... in fact, don't look it up at all... you already get it by the spelling.. just know you can rent by the hour... or by the girl. And 800 euro can get you far... I bet it all added up so quickly, I can only imagine.
These are just things that I've seen and heard about since the time I left. It's not hearsay. It's confirmed by video and witnesses. Some people may think I am a crazy, terrible person to put all this out into the world. But I have been quiet for sooo long. I refrained from ruffling feathers. I now realize I was creating a sense of impunity. A few weeks ago, I was reprimanded by Fred for causing an apparent investigation at the work place. Why are actions that are not my own being made to be my fault, just for speaking up?
This burden is not for me to bear. It has been on my shoulders for so darn long. I'm tired. I want to move on. I want to be strong. And I want to be honest. Some people will not be able to handle this blog, and that's okay. I'm doing this for me and my girls.
We watched Miss Americana on Netflix the other night. Damn that Taylor Swift, she gets me every time. The girls and I love and adore her; I truly believe she is THAT genuine. Whether or not I agree with all her opinions or views on the world, the one thing I admire about her is that she stands up for what she believes is right. I want that too. And to teach my girls how to do that. She stands up for herself. She's comfortable in her skin. She supports her friends and family. And boy, does she like to call out her exes! Haha. So here's my song... Just being more like Taylor. :-)
But in all seriousness. If you are STILL reading this... and it all seems too familiar? Reach out to me. You're not on your own. And it's okay to feel whatever it is you're feeling. Life is short. Life is about growing. I hope I can be a light to you. I don't have all the answers, but I can say I've been there. And it gets better. 💚
I can see that in May of 2019, I started to write a new blog called "Here I am." Anyone read it?
No... I never actually posted it.
I always have the best intentions of being a regular blogger and posting something every week or two. Why don't I stick with it? After rereading the last one I wrote, I think I'm realizing why... it's not necessarily lack of time. We all make time for things we think are worth it. I realize it's doubt. It's fear. It's my insecurities. I have these statements or thoughts that I feel like I have to get out, but when I do, I then wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I doubt myself. I wonder if others will judge me. I overanalyze most of my life, quite honestly. But then I hear and see things in the world and think... well, this is part of my story. Shouldn't I want to share that? And more importantly, shouldn't I want to share this to help others? Most of my fear and doubt stems from feeling like I'm the ONLY one that could possibly be going through this. But then I hear something that makes me realize I, obviously, am not the only one. And then I hear and see more that makes me realize perhaps I've been conditioned to feel unconfident and insecure. This thought process has happened after years of... well, manipulation, frankly.
So that is why I am here. I am ready to speak up. No more fear.
So if you aren't ready for things to get real? Please click on one of my other nice blogs where you can learn how to meal prep or bake sugarless cookies or something...
But if you are ready for real deal... I'm going to talk about my life. I would say I am fairly private about my life. I definitely would not say that I built up this facade or anything by what I post on social media... I am real. All of my moments that involve my girls, my family, my friends... they are genuine. I am typically the person to smile and laugh in a crowd. The smiles and laughs are genuine too, I just laugh pretty easily... I promise though, you ARE all as funny as I make you feel. :-)
I sometimes think I'm some introvert, but that's not really true. I will be one of the first ones to make a conversation in a group... this is because I have ALWAYS wanted people to feel comfortable. I despise feeling uncomfortable and don't like others to feel awkward or outcast. It's just who I am (see above: laughing). Unfortunately, I even go as far as protecting people that should not be protected. For sure, I have made bad choices and done things that I have needed to apologize for.
But... I do know the difference between being genuine... Having integrity...
...And being a narcissist. Being a counterfeit. Why would I protect these people?
You ever avoid sharing things on Facebook because it's embarrassing? People hate reading these cryptic statements that warrant more information. People hate when it feels like fishing. Fishing for compliments. For acknowledgement. For approval. And who knows what else.
I kept so much of what was going on in my life out of sight because it WAS embarrassing. And even because I was afraid half of them already knew the truth and thought I was such a naive idiot for not knowing. I never wanted to post anything. But really, it wasn't necessarily anyone's business.
And NOW... Now it's written into an official court document that I am not to speak ill words over social media about my ex. Ps... we are going to call him Fred. Fred Flintstone, in fact. My question, and I pray you are all wondering it too, is why? Why, Fred? Is this normal to include such specific requests? Why is Fred so darned concerned about what I have to say about him NOW over social media, when I haven't bothered to say anything for seven years? It's interesting that he dragged my name through the social media mud on July 4, 2018, but today, he wants to make sure I do not do the same.
Well, darn it Fred... now I WANT to share... because to me? It feels a bit like he's realizing there is less and less control over me now that everything is signed and done. And maybe this is one last thing you can try and control? Am I close? I've had counselors tell me much of what my experiences are, are dealing with a narcissist. Unfamiliar with that term?
They are all too familiar. That joking part... sigh. So so so often. :-(
That brings me to a question that I got asked about a week ago... someone asked me "So, how did you get tricked?" It was a simple enough question, but one that felt like a kick in the chest.
How did I get tricked? Hmm. Well. Truth be told, I've had a bit of an issue with self-confidence. With self-worth. It's been a lifetime issue. I'm still working on it. A side effect of having issues with these things (fear) is anger. I can rage with the best of them. Correction... I could... I have my moments now, but I am getting better. But I digress. My point is this... people witnessed my anger. I am not good at hiding my emotions. I was in a relationship where I now realize, I was drowning. And I used anger and bitterness and sarcasm, not only as an outlet, but often as a means of attention. I wanted to be saved. By him though. I did not feel loved or feel attention, so I would respond in anger. I wanted love. My method? Not effective. Not right... but it was my go-to reaction for quite a while. This is not an effective strategy, to get angry, the other person can stay charming, albeit aloof and smiling. I wasn't so good at pretending. So, unfortunately, people would see my anger and his smiles, but not the rest of what was going on in my world...
Deployments where I'm told goodnight early, because of "late night missions," which turned out to be "just times to get high"? Check.
Being told I'm a prude for not being cool with it (instead of acknowledging that my anger was from being lied to) Check.
TDY's with night's out and phones turned off indefinitely? Check.
Hearing his coworkers mention he brought girls back to the hotel and would bring them to breakfast with his coworkers on these work assignments? Check.
On TDY's, Fred would go out and cease communication, shut off his phone, and tell me he'd call me when he got back to his room. I'm still waiting on those phone calls. There was actually one time that he sent me a selfie with two friends at 7:30am, saying he never called until right then, because he hadn't even been back to his room. And he said he'd call when he got back, right? So technically, he's a man of his word. Nice. He hadn't been back... they'd been at a strip club. So... I'm the jerk for being upset, right? But the credo is "Ask for forgiveness, not permission." He never quite understood my request for just being up front with communication. He never quite listened when our therapist would say "Stop lying to her. It's on her to either process your words or throw a tantrum. That's on her. Being honest is on you. But you're not even giving her the chance." He was just apologize and I accepted it every time, thinking it would be different in the future. But it never was different.
Being left at multiple weddings? Check. Being told he wanted a divorce in 2013? Check. Again, in 2015? Check. Going home with women the day he decided to leave our house? Check. Me, moving back and forth between different countries to try to make it work? Check. Delaying my own goals and career? Check. Dating? Check. I hadn't been dating anyone at first... I'd put up the good fight. The first time I moved back from Germany, I had the time to process through breaking up, being single, and moving on. One night, I was out eating dinner with my daughters, and watching a cubs game, when a guy came up and made conversation with all of us. He was nice and he asked for my number (ps, the girls were unaware, and I gave it to him). Until then, I hadn't considered dating. As soon as I considered it? Fred wanted to work it out with me. He would message me every day when we were separated. Not to talk to the girls. Now I see it was to keep control of things. He still wanted to hook up with me, I would get my hopes up, but then he would leave, go out with friends, and tell me he still didn't think "he was ready to work on us." Writing this, gosh, I feel so ridiculous to have gone along with it.
We separated, honestly, I lost count how many times... 5? 6? Fred is like a spoiled little boy with his toys.... he doesn't necessarily want the toy any more... he just doesn't want to lose control over it.
It was all such a mess. But what happened in the middle of the mess?
I found Jesus.
In the midst of separations and deployments and being a new mom, I threw myself into the church and bible studies and activities. At first it was just to meet other moms, but it became my refuge. I really do not know where I would be today, if it weren't for going through all this and knowing that I was in God's hand. Quite literally, I would picture myself sitting in His palm. I had never NOT believed in God, but did not grow up going to church. I had so many questions. But through these times, I found comfort. I found myself. And I found Him. Serious glory to God for getting me through the things I've trudged through. I got baptized in 2014. This was between separations, but he'd only been back for one month, from a deployment, so I did that in the "honeymoon phase." That was the first time in a long time that I was doing something for me though. What a wonderful day it was.
Through every talk and study, I would hear these women and their spouses talk about the rough times in their marriages. But 5 years, 10 years, 20 years later, they'd be together and saying "Look at us, talking to you guys about sticking it out and things have never been better." In my mind... this mind of mine, where I would get trampled on, and then apologized to, and told it wouldn't happen again, but then the cycle just kept happening-- this mind truly believed this would be our story. I really thought some day I would stand up on a stage with Fred and we would talk about the hard times we've gone through, telling young military couples that they, too, can make it.
I call this hopeless optimism. I don't think it's wrong. Faith and hope are a life necessity. But there is a line. A line where people are just being naive and it's hurting them. This was the point at which I had gotten. I don't like the idea of "playing the victim," but sometimes YOU ARE A VICTIM. But I'm not any more. That won't define me. Ever listened to the podcast or watched Dirty John on Netflix (p.s. now is the time, while you're stuck at home--very intriguing and well-done)? You listen or watch it, thinking "Lady! How can you be so stupid?!" But I sat there thinking.... gosh. She just wanted to be loved. And at times, wow, he could be SO seemingly charming. And hey, he's going to church and reading scripture, and he makes mistakes but THIS time, things are going to be different.
And then... They aren't.
This was a bit tricky for me. I was married to a person that claims to be Christian. We are not perfect. We are all sinners. But where is the repentance in all this? Where is the heart for God? Although I opened my eyes to Jesus, I had even more questions on this path. But any Christian knows... finding God doesn't make life easy. But it does bring clarity and understanding in other ways.
I'm definitely not saying this the case for everyone's problematic marriage. To those people that stuck it out and came out a better couple? It fills my heart with joy to hear your love story.
But my story IS different. Now I see myself being the woman to stand up and say "You're going to be okay on your own, if that is the path you need to take to save yourself." It's terrible to realize the people that turned their back on me when I finally made the decision that I'd had enough. That I was pursuing a divorce. Those women that told me I just hadn't prayed enough and I was the quitter that didn't trust in God's mighty strength. How dare they. God's strength is what got me to those classes. But these women with their ridicule barely knew me...
Those women didn't go home that same day and get told that they were stupid. Retarded. That they were ugly on the inside and out and no one would ever want them. Ignored, except for sex. They were not told that even though we were getting divorced, even if we both remarried, we would still have sex together because we had such a history (by the way... never. going. to happen.) While we were living as "housemates," he told friends and coworkers that he wished someone would date me, so I would leave him alone. Being strong is staying in this?
But he told me no one would ever want me... and I believed him. My psyche was... well, so F'ed. I had allowed myself to crawl into his warped mind and actually believe the things he said. And on top of that, I would not tell anyone, because I thought maybe I had brought it upon myself! Urgh. Why is it so easy to tell Dirty John's wife or any other helpless damsel how clearly they should leave, but not see it for myself? Things had become so darn blurry. Luckily, I had people that cared about me, to tell me that this "housemate" setup was NOT working, and I needed to leave... that if I wasn't the one to finally draw the line, that this would never end.
My girls were getting old enough, that it finally dawned on me: How would I feel if twenty years from now, my daughter was in the situation I was in, feeling the way I felt, because I had painted this picture of what a marriage looked like to her. What a horrible feeling. I would hate for them to think this is normal. That it was acceptable. Sometimes people say they stay together for their kids, but that was the reason I knew I had to go. I know what real love is like, and this wasn't it. It makes me sad to wonder if some day he will break them the way he broke me. Gosh, I hope not. But I'll be here for them. It's so hard to let them walk through it on their own, but if I tried to make it any different, I would be doing them harm and they'd end up resenting me anyways. Maybe he will change some day. As of today, nothing I can see has changed. I hear updates...
TDY in Netherlands, inviting girls on CAS
Video messaging friends saying he can't sleep and he just did something he never thought he'd do while making a gesture to his nose
Making remarks about so-and-so's girlfriend having great pot on this TDY and that he's "so high right now"
Ever looked up Hotel Wellcum in Hohenthurn, Austria? Don't do it, if your children are around... in fact, don't look it up at all... you already get it by the spelling.. just know you can rent by the hour... or by the girl. And 800 euro can get you far... I bet it all added up so quickly, I can only imagine.
These are just things that I've seen and heard about since the time I left. It's not hearsay. It's confirmed by video and witnesses. Some people may think I am a crazy, terrible person to put all this out into the world. But I have been quiet for sooo long. I refrained from ruffling feathers. I now realize I was creating a sense of impunity. A few weeks ago, I was reprimanded by Fred for causing an apparent investigation at the work place. Why are actions that are not my own being made to be my fault, just for speaking up?
This burden is not for me to bear. It has been on my shoulders for so darn long. I'm tired. I want to move on. I want to be strong. And I want to be honest. Some people will not be able to handle this blog, and that's okay. I'm doing this for me and my girls.
We watched Miss Americana on Netflix the other night. Damn that Taylor Swift, she gets me every time. The girls and I love and adore her; I truly believe she is THAT genuine. Whether or not I agree with all her opinions or views on the world, the one thing I admire about her is that she stands up for what she believes is right. I want that too. And to teach my girls how to do that. She stands up for herself. She's comfortable in her skin. She supports her friends and family. And boy, does she like to call out her exes! Haha. So here's my song... Just being more like Taylor. :-)
But in all seriousness. If you are STILL reading this... and it all seems too familiar? Reach out to me. You're not on your own. And it's okay to feel whatever it is you're feeling. Life is short. Life is about growing. I hope I can be a light to you. I don't have all the answers, but I can say I've been there. And it gets better. 💚
I am SO proud of you!!! "Fred" sounds like my 1st husband - the father of my children. I also left FOR my kids and only ran when I knew I had done everything I could. You are a strong, loving, beautiful, kind and intelligent woman -- and one hell of a good Mother! Thank you for reinforcing to all women that it's OK to want to be loved -- it's NOT OK to be used and abused! We love you.
ReplyDeleteWow!!! I'm glad you found strength to leave. I've been wondering about Fred. Like ummm I don't see him anymore. You are stronger than you know. And Fred is scared because you will find love again and him probably not. You're smart, beautiful, powerful, and brave. This was a beautiful soul finding story.
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