It took me all summer to write this one... I'm not sure why. I am a little in shock, sitting here, on a plane, realizing summer is coming to a close. And I'm always torn. I've been without my sweet girls for over two months. I feel like I'm only half-breathing when they're not around. I miss them. The flip side is, is that I've had an amazing summer with opportunity that many aren't seeing this year, due to the crazy thing called Covid... It's still beyond me. I've had a mask on my face for days, it feels like. Some countries have updated to requiring one while outside regardless of where you are, what you're doing, or how close you are to others. Bizarro-World. Anyways, this summer has been a lot of self-discovery. Discovering what I want, what I don't... who I am and whether I'm okay with that or not. There is so much that I am so happy to have figured out for myself. And then, of course, there are my little (big) demons that haunt me that I so desperately want to leave behind; I just haven't quite figured out how.
Anyways, One of my smartest friends introduced me to Halsey a few years ago. And when I say introduced, I just mean she casually mentioned she was listening to her at some point in time... and I wasn't. I had heard of her, but never really listened.
And still didn't choose to listen to her, actually, at that point. I go through different phases and love a lot of different types of music. I'd say that rock is my core love, but what does that even mean? The definition of rock is very fluid and quite frankly, disgusting. I can't get into all of it and it's not the point right now. I go through phases of feeling like listening to... all the music. So, it was probably about a year later that I decided to see what Halsey had to offer. I have no idea if she was huge or not, I just don't listen to enough radio... I caught her prior to Eastside and BTS and Without Me and well, pre-G-Eazy, I guess.
Is she even a household name? She is in mine. So anyways. I listened to both of her albums Badlands and hopeless fountain kingdom and I was just completely in love. Super raw and real, which I absolutely love. The song "Colors" is one of my favorites, EVEN though I swear she was inspired by Taylor Swift and "Red." Anyone else?! Red, blue, purple... think about it.
Sidenote, do you still trust that I listen to all kinds of music and have a wealth of knowledge when I'm sitting here discussing Halsey and Taylor? Stay with me... or not, it's fine.
ANYways, after listening to her music, I began following her on Instagram. At that point, she was dating G-Eazy, and I was also feeling so optimistic and dreamy about love again and thought they were the best crazy couple that would love each other for life. Turns out, I think he REALLY did a number on her... it works out for her musically, but damn. It just bums me out when things don't last for people, even when I have no personal tie to any of it, I just like love.
Here's my take on Halsey:
I think she is pretty smart and brave, says what she feels and has a great attitude about life. She is artistic, which I love, although I think she gets to paint and draw more often than I do.
I also hear and see another side to her. I see a craving for love and security and hmm... approval?
I see... insecurity? Do I see all this because those are my OWN issues and I am just trying to relate to her? Do I sound like a fangirl yet? Haha. Eh. Do I think she is my "spirit animal?" I really don't even know what that actually means... but maybe.
It doesn't matter what type of music it is; it is in my blood to see the ways I relate to a song or person. Maybe even not specifically in music. I'm always trying to relate to everything and everyone. But I typically listen to music thinking it was completely written for me. Haha. Anyone else do that? My point is though: I am one of those people that is influenced by music IMMENSELY and her music really effects me. You can tell that she loves hard and I love that. What other way is there to be? She quotes Romeo and Juliet in an earlier album... in my eyes, the most romantic of all the stories, yeah? Tragic, but, oh, so much love.
I also just love the little things that I find in her that are similar to myself that really don't mean anything, but it makes me smile. Like that her lucky number is 17. Me too. Fast track to today: she has a new album out. It's called Manic. I've listened to it quite a bit over the summer. I could instantly see the whole album is the after-effects of a relationship gone bad, breaking up, and all that jazz. She's working on finding herself.
Me too.
I listened to it and liked it, but it honestly took a few times to actually really like it and appreciate it. Then I listened to it more and discovered a few random quotes in it. Turns out one of them is Kate Winslet from a movie that happens to be one of my favorites. Top five, I'd say, although I'm not great at rating movies.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Aaaaamazing movie. It's about trying to erase the memories in your brain after a heartbreak, so you can move on... well, not just after a breakup, one client wanted to erase the memories of a pet she'd lost... but sad stuff, obviously. Who'd want to erase anything else?
Is it just that easy to get over something, though; just go have a procedure done and boom?
Anyways, if you haven't seen it, watch it. I probably should too. It's been quite a while actually.
Kate Winslet's name in the movie is Clementine. Which just happens to be track #2 on Halsey's album after hearing Kate's quote on track #1. Kind of cool.
Soo... what's my point? Well, I don't know. What's the point of anyone's blog really? It's therapeutic for me and people seem to respond to it. I guess my point is, is that I'm at a time in my life that I find really amazing and also insanely terrifying.
I have spent the majority of my life being a people pleaser.
I have spent the majority of it wanting to feel safe and secure.
I have spent most of my life being afraid of being alone.
I have spent most of my life without enough confidence and self-worth to truly believe what I tell myself.
This has made for some pretty messy relationships. With family. With friends. With lovers.
Why is this such an issue for me? I'm not exactly sure, but I'm working on it... or at least I was, I should probably find a new counselor or figure out how to get back to the one I had. He was pretty great. But anyways, everyone has their issues and humps to get through. These are mine.
Why am I telling you all this? Ahh, geez, again... I don't know...
Maybe someone will see this and know they aren't alone. No one is ever really alone. But I'll save that for another post. Music really gets me through things. Or at least it makes me realize that I'm not alone either. So I think that's why I write this. Someone else might see that I feel what they feel too? All these fears that I harbor, though... I drag them to other relationships and struggle with trust like it's a sport. I love hard and feel like it's worth going through heartache, but also... I think I jeopardize relationships too, because I'm so convinced that the heartbreak is coming. So when people do make mistakes and prove that they aren't perfect, I struggle to be reasonable and forgive... I just think "Oh here we go! Here's where they treat me horribly and I break. I better get out my weapons and hurt them first."
I think that's called bitterness.
It sucks to think like this.
It's taken me until this year to actually see how I would hop from relationship to relationship, trying to fill a void with a person. That's a lot to carry for that other person. It's taken me until right now to realize that I'll be okay. I mean, geez, I've been living as a single parent for practically ten years now. I've been on my own emotionally.
(unfinished, but seeing as this is two-year's old, I'm just posting and moving on... :-)
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