Timing. Time. It is really everything. I have a post on here, the last that I've written, and I look back at it now to realize it's already been two years since I wrote it. I remember really struggling to post it, although reading it now, it seems so silly. What was the hold up? Hindsight is so easy to see.
What caused me to open the old blog draft? Or write today?
It's because of tomorrow.
Tomorrow is Tuesday, February 22, 2022. Or 2's Day, 2/22/22. A silly day that I will celebrate, and that's really only because I will have 28 little faces staring at me, expecting me to celebrate it. Oh, and 28 other teachers that are murmuring about it too and wearing fun t-shirts about it. I didn't buy a t-shirt.
If I'm being honest? I'd rather lay low on this day. When I look at my right forearm I see my beautiful tattoo of a pocketwatch. I designed it. Got it done by an amazing Czech tattooist in Germany. The time, forever 2:22 (and 17 seconds). It was just a silly joke that I made up about needing him to leave my house by 2:22, and it just turned into a "thing." Every day, at 2:22, it was a "thing." Multiple times a day really, since we've never quite landed in the same timezone. Timing is everything.
So thinking about that last post that I never published. Why was it hard to put out there? Because I was a mess. I realize that now. I left Spain and I knew things were changed. That summer was amazing in so many ways, but it was also not what I expected. I left there knowing I chose a job here, he chose a job there, and we had so many demons haunting both of us, we were bound to torch the entire thing.
And we did.
We took a break and things were never the same. I had written that I was okay with being "alone," but at the time, had I ever been? My boyfriend had been there to pick up the pieces of a failed marriage and long drawn-out divorce. I hadn't ever really been Alone alone.
Even though he and I were not meant to be a "forever relationship," he was exactly what I needed at that time in my life. I think people are afraid to acknowledge that sort of thing. I have a connection to this person forever. People confuse that for "still having feelings" or "still being in love." I think it's just called appreciation. There were (and are) flags that I could look at today and say "No, I won't bend on that. " But at the time, I found excuses and reasons to be okay with things and how they were. Denial. At the time, I really wanted it to be him. Now I know I just didn't want to be alone.
What does this ended relationship have to do with 2.22.22? That tattoo. That joke. I remember having the conversation that we would some day get married on 2/22/22, and at the time thinking "That is so far away; no WAY am I waiting that long!" And yes, the reality of it... getting married on a Tuesday is probably not the most practical thing. But it was our thing. And every possible reason for us to hold off on our tentative future happened. Until it broke us. I believe things happen for a reason and there was a reason things never worked out for us.
We weren't built to last. And that's okay. I just read something the other day that said maybe there is such a thing called a "twin flame." It's not a soulmate. It is a person that you connect with that "opens you up to being raw, honest, and vulnerable." It is a relationship that helps you heal and love yourself. It goes on to say that "if one or both people are not ready or willing to grow, the romance can be dramatic, or even toxic.
Well. Yeah.
Kind of like my marriage, I think there is a purpose for everything, even if it drug me through some of the worst times.
Fast forward to the present. All those bad times have made it clear for me to see what I want and what I don't. That's not to say that it makes it easier to figure life out. This weekend I had a date. He cancelled. The flakiness of it all is a red flag. So why do I talk to him? Because I'm forgiving? Or because deep down, I am still drawn to these red flags because it was all I knew for a good chunk of time.
Another perfectly nice guy that I went on 3 dates with asked me yesterday what he could do to approach women differently since I told him things just weren't going to work out with us. Maybe there was no spark for us. Or maybe I just don't know how to like nice guys.
It's hard to say.
I'll be alone on 2:22. But I'm not sad or mad about it. I'm glad for the tattoo too, no regrets about that. Or regerts. I'm glad I'm the type of person that is "all in" when she wants to be and upfront when she needs to be too. I don't think people handle the honesty because it's just not how people typically operate. I'll get my heart broken at least 100 more times. Maybe even today.
Sidenote. Someone, yesterday, told me that when I get all long and drawn out in texts, he just skims it so I should probably just get to the point. Well.... this blog isn't for you, sir. This rambling helps me sort out all the overthinking I do. Some day, somebody will get that. Just not on 2/22. Maybe I'll write about it in another two years.
I hope it is a memorable one for you all!
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